Becoming Jayne

people everywhere.

people at school. people at home. people fucking EVERYWHERE.

the month of january is widely known at my HS for having a shit ton of my grade’s birthday. i cannot even tell you how many times this month I’ve heard “THIS MANY DAYS TILL MYYY BIRTHDAY.’ 

i hate it. and they’re all the rudest, loudest, most obnoxious people. i want to be like. “if people wanted to fucking remember your birthday, they’d fucking remember it on their own. get off the pedestool you put you fucking self on, and realize that you aren’t worshipped.”

i hate how people think everything is about them. “OMG so and so looked at me funny today, do you think that it’s because so and so said something about me?’ 

i just fucking hate people. they’re rude. vain. selfish. they’re self-entitlement is always astounding. i fucking hate them all. 

we should really not exist. we’re all fucking assholes.

we used to be so damn cute

let’s go back.

riding bikes, playing tag, being fucking kids. 

now we’re begging for cigarettes, 

asking for weed.

i’m so fucking sick of us being fucked up.

let’s go back.

let’s be little and perfect again.

little and pure.

let’s be little and never even have memories to associate with bad scenes in bad movies.

let’s be little and never even think of watching bad movies.

let’s be little and never even think.

let’s go back.

to you and i.

i couldn’t step on your rug so i hated your rug.

let’s go back to when we were kids.

when dropping mayo was the worst thing we could do to hurt each other.

let’s go back to texting all day every day.

let’s go back.

let’s go back to the river, just you and i.

maybe anna. 

maybe drina.

maybe not.

let’s go back.

you and i to disneyland.

you and i playing barbies

you and i eating cake

you and i

and you and i

let’s go back.

i am reading the girl with the dragon tattoo

i just read the rape scene na dit’s freaking me out

it’s bropught back a lot of memeories about balit and the shit and everything

i’ms haking and i cna’t stiop 

i dont know what to do

i’m freaking out

i want to cut so badly

i just want to forget

somebody please fucking help me.

please please please

i texted carter to see if he was still waske but he’s alspep and i just want to forget 

i watn someone to tell me that i’m okay and that baltoi can’t hurt me anymore

i dont want these memories

make them stop

theyre killing me

i cant sotp shaking

and i’ve trying to continue reading 

i’ve read like thirty more pages but the images

thealksdjlkasjd

it’s all coming back ot me.

i’m going to be fucking sick

jessroseonline:

FINALLY SOMEONE WHO SEES IT THE WAY I DO. 

w o r d. 

(via fakingsmiles122)

summerlov-in:

omfg this.

Number 8 is the best. I also like the one about New and Improved!

(via talkinboutblahblahblahh)

my head feels like it’s going to explode.

i’m getting sick. i’m coughing adn then gagging because i’m coughing so much.

i’ve been fighting with my dad all week because i change the plans or iforget something or i do something wrong and it’s my fault and i don’t see why he’s upset about it so i don’t apologize and then he hates me.

i’ve been fighting with david cause he wont stop tlaking about the other girl he loves with which makes me feel like 2nd best. we fought at the mall today. scarlett and i lost him for two hours. he and i both ended up being late coming home. neither of us said a word to each other the entire way home.

my parents are fighting all the time. 

i can’t keep fighting. i fight with my dad because we are both so fucking sure that we are right.

i fight with devin because he’s just like my dad. 

i fight with my mom because i know she loves me unconditionally, and i just want to win an argument for one, and atleast with her, i always get the last word in.

i fight with myself because i hate myself.

i fight with everyone because i’m just like my dad. 

i fight and i fight because it’s easier than having to face the casualties.

I carved a smileyface into my hip so I remember which face to put on tomorrow morning.

That’s what I am.

I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. While everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

David wants to know why I’m sad. Can I tell him all this? about the cutting, the eating—or lack there of—the suicidal thoughts, the rape, the inferiority complexes.

Can I be open with someone?

WHat if he uses it against me? or dear god what if he doesnt? What if he tries to make me feel better.

i don’t know which is worse.

I really miss cutting. 

I miss the blade. I miss the sharp edges and the sting of when it cuts beneath the surface. I miss the blood trickling down my leg.

I miss watching my tear drops turn to blood.

carter’s new girlfriend is in high school.

he used to bitch all the time about how he hated that i was young.

if i were good enough he wouldn’t have.

i have an inferiority complex over people i don’t even know.

why the fuck am i never good enough? why can’t i ever be anyone’s mother fucking exception to the rule?

This is my selfish post. 

I’m tired of people being babied.

Lisa and Aiden were officially going out. Then Aiden and Eliza started talking again and now Aiden isn’t sure of how he feels for Lisa.

Look, I know, I know, I know it’s a shitty situation. I’m not rude enough to just think it don’t matter none. 

But look. Lisa trusted Aiden though he broke her heart. She shouldn’t have trusted him. I’m not saying it’s her fault. I’m not saying I don’t feel badly. But she should have seen it coming. 

I love Aiden. And I love Lisa. But they’re so dramatic.

LIsa won’t stop crying. Ever.

Like, you’d think she and Aiden were married. Which is fine. I understand heartbreak, I really do. But she won’t stop. And her helicopter mother isn’t allowing her to get over it. 

Lisa has missed three days of school. She only has three class periods, the last one being study hall, and she withdrew from study hall because she doesn’t want to have to deal with Eliza and Aiden. 

This isn’t going to help her move on. This is sheltering her. What is she going to do when she gets to college? She can’t withdraw from any class that Aiden goes to, just cause she doesn’t want to see his face. 

My mother would wake my ass up, march me right to school, and made sure that I showed that fucker I was fine.

When Carter and I broke up, I cried for days. I was a fucking mess. I didn’t sleep, I hardly ate. I was a fucking wreck. I went to school, I went to all of my fucking classes. No one even knew that Carter and I had broken up because I didn’t make a big fucking deal about it.

She’s already too dependent upon people. She is clingy and needy and centers her life around one person, always.

She’s going to have a rude awakening when she gets to college and realizes that no one there is going to give a fuck.

——-

On another note, though still about lisa. 

Everyone is freaking out because she is sad. Today the counselor of our school pulled her out of class and is now starting like a therapy thing for her twice a week.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Are you kidding me?

I asked her why, and she said, “Because this whole Aiden thing is really making me sad. I like, don’t believe in myself, I have no confidence in myself, and I’m like, legitimately depressed.”

I just looked at her like .______.

I cut myself. Starve myself. Think of suicide more times than I can count in a day, and you go through a bad break up, and suddenly the whole fucking world is freaking out?

It’s like I broke my arm, cried for five minutes, and had two people help me up. She got a splinter, cried for five days, and the entire world is there to help her.

I just…I know it’s selfish. I fucking know, okay? But fuck man.

I don’t expect the world to move underneath me, but for god’s sake, could they try?

The girl—the one I’m trying to save. 

Her name is Amanda. 

She’s been cutting a lot. And I don’t know how to help her.

She’s seeing a therapist, who isn’t worth shit because she told her mom to stop watching her food intake. Which I guess makes sense, cause EDs are about control, and having her mom breathing down her neck won’t help, but fuck man. She wont eat anything at school. She isn’t fucking going to eat anything unless her mom makes her eat dinner. 

She’s still cutting, she’s still starving. How the fuck can I save her? 

Fuckfuckfuckfuck alkjdlsakjd

FUCK.

Help?

(via do-the-scarn)